Random Ramblings

Engrossed in Sabbatical

2011-05-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

Kerouac said, "Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists in tact, in mind."

I've spent the last few years finding myself in photography and digital manipulation. I've always known a day would come, when photography-like painting and sculpting-would no longer be enough to satisfy my apparant, voracious need to...express myself. The time would come to move forward; in a ravenous search for this...enigma, lying somewhere hidden and untouched by my conscience mind, that can and will, finaly unshroud my place in this world. I know I'll find it. I just have to keep looking.
So, on to bigger and more exciting adventures. I'm still shooting for hard cash, so you can still book for the low key sessions. I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll return to photography as an art form.
I'll keep updated regaurdless.

Before u know it...

2010-10-23T18:39:00.001-07:00

Haven is almost seven now. We were in the car the other day talking about trick or treating this year. The neighborhood we live in really goes for it. Every other house is a haunted house u have to go through to get the candy. I was suggesting we go to a nicer, quiter neighborhood but Haven insisted we go through the scary stuff this year.

She said "Halloween is about being scared. I'm not a baby anymore!"

flamingo

2010-10-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

This tune is playing on serious rotation here at my desk, in my workspace. The whole album is stuck in my head like a good high. I could honestly go on and on about how the tones echoing and bellowing from this persons soul - hypnotize me into a very calm and deep and also peaceful and...marveled state. I am inspired over and over again on so many different levels when I listen to the music these people have shared. I often wonder if the people in these peoples lives, see the magic that i and many others, seem to see. It almost hurts to think about something so clenching. A really great song, a certain two seconds where the tones match up heavenly...I live for those moments in music.

This one isnt on the album (I dont think) but my mom likes this song and I do too.

The Killers Dustland fairytale - from Day and Age.

When you were young - From Sams Town.

Sams town - from Sams Town

Got me on the run

2010-10-21T22:41:00.001-07:00

Just completed a collection from new session titled above. Subject shown is Jill liebisch. I actually had very different ideas for this session, but just couldn't make it work the way I envisioned it. It was something else and I couldn't figure it out. It waited in my files for a few weeks before I started really getting into it. At the same time I found the new brandon flowers 'flamingo' solo album.
I've been playing the crap out of this album. Like every killers album in the past, The more I play it, the more I enjoy it. I've danced with Bella to it. She seems to really enjoy 'Only the young'. It calms her. 'Jilted Lovers and broken hearts' gets her excited. She kicks and smiles during that one. It feels good to see my little ones dig the sounds I dig as well. The title of the session 'Got me on the run." is a line from one of the songs on the album. Just my way of noting the inspiration.

Its important to me to remember the music I play when I am making things.

See Full Session Here

Keepa runnin

2010-10-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

so hard for the money...

2010-09-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am wounded. This isn't the easiest "Job". I put my heart into these images. To me, each piece could be a canvas on the wall. It would be awesome - if I could just make art. It would be amazing NOT to have to think about getting paid... getting exposure. What a ball and chain its become, trying to make my passion a career. Its enough to make me want to quit, to just run away from it, and find something new.

{Side Note: Oh how much deeper I go with this. I could really let this entry rip with truth. Raw truth. The kind of truth we just don't expose. The kind we shouldn't expose. But of course I am hindered... by what seems like a joke when I think about it. Whats more important? Modesty...or truth.}

{2ND Side Note: It reoccurs to me, just how much my brain rambles about.}

-Anyway. I just need to start again. It was a rough patch. I'll tell myself, not to give up. I wish I had an image that fit with this entry.

Good times.

2010-09-17T22:18:00.001-07:00

I was browsing through Utube earlier and came across a band called 'Gaslight anthem' - they're alright- They reminded me of another band I once LOVED...{high pitched voice}. That band is called 'Alkaline Trio'. Saw them live when I was 17 and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. Driving home from very long weekends of doing things I'll not mention here. ;) 9am. starving and sleep deprived. The mornings were breaths of fresh air. I'd play it loud and sing along knowing every single line. There was one song in particular that I played a lot. The one that started it all and leading me to the wild roller coaster ride that was The Alkaline trio. Here are a few of my favorites below, including the starter tune - 'Queen of Pain' (ignore the goofy lyrics. They don't have an official vid for this one.)

And a few selected faves:
My friend Peter
Goodbye Forever
Mr Chainsaw
All on Black

They have boatloads of music out. The new stuff I've never heard, but I'll now be exploring them all over again.

I am very good...

2010-09-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

At scaring the shit out of myself. {According to my husband anyway}

I've always slept better in the day, when everyone else is awake {And alive} to see everything going on around me. When I think about what may be happening around me when I along with everyone else is asleep- I cringe wide eyed until I am bug eyed and exhausted, waiting for someone to wake up so I can go to sleep.

The future in the present.

2010-09-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

I want to be free.
slim down, wrinkles are the devils scratchings. Take a second look. I remember why I avoid this. Another inhale. Another year gone. Survivor mode cranked way up. Yawning/Stretching/Moaning/Exhaustion. Drink more coffee. Drink more coffee. I don't want to go outside today. Let me stay in my cocoon.

And If I didn't ever have to step outside, I might be OK with myself. compare me to her. Stand me up against a ten. Destined for failure now. I thank you oh so much. Taking all I have left of me. Stripping me down to zero. My flesh is cold and exposed. The smoke is drifting about. Sore fingers. When am I mine? I heard about the future and it seemed so good, I had to have it. Where is it now?
I want to be free.

And it occurred to me that I was older when I stopped pulling out my ID, When I was the oldest person in the room those nights. I wake them up and get them ready for the day, making breakfast and making dinners. I must be older now. I but my smoke and exhale hard. It burns my throat. I look around at what is called a mess. It bothers me so I must be older now.

Cant look in the mirror, the child who is ashamed. Told to be better, better, even better than you are. ouch that hurts. The blood is pouring out. Jaw aching. Teeth shattered. Flaws on display, no way you're hiding them now. Gone to far. I must be older now. I want to be free.

The Lurking:Preview

2010-09-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

From Saterdays session with Jill Liebisch from Cincinnati Ohio.
Hair and makeup by Puddinghead

Something found

2010-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

I came across a very old survey I filled out on some website back when I was networking the shit out of the Internet. I decided to revive it. Copied below:

i would describe the way i dress as… lebowski on an off day - A bit casual and darker on another day. Scarves, toboggans, tiny shoes.. no socks. Sleeves.. Comfort.

my favorite place in the whole world is… Venice

my musical tastes… Folk, Indie, I don't like to be screamed at or rapped at. I like to chill. Also a big eighties fan- and funk if you catch me in the right mood.

when it comes to my digs (apartment, home, etc.)… Its lived in.

my superpowers are... I can read your thoughts and control your movements... If I want too.

if I'm in front of the TV, i might be watching... Man VS wild or something similar on the discovery. Things on bravo.. A movie I rented.

my most recent disorder or neurosis... The most recent? About two years ago I began to wonder who washed their hands. Now I'm convinced no one washes their hands. I have a hard time touching anything I know others have touched... flushers, Handles, doors, Keys on the ATM...

I'm currently reading... Kathryn, It's time.

things that make me really angry! general lack of concern for another persons feelings.

when it comes to politics… Most of the time I keep my opinions to myself. Is anyone really qualified to debate this topic? I'm not sure.

things that turn me -off- include… stinky stinky stinky anything.

View from the backyard of the sandhouse.

2010-09-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

It should be illegal...

2010-09-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

For Elementary school teachers to wear tight skirts jacked halfway up the thigh! Seriously... who are you trying to impress? Got a hot date with the gym teacher in the teachers lounge? How are you getting around without giving all the kiddies a treat? Even if you are crossing your legs, you have to spread your legs to cross them! Let's not get started on the four inch slits in the back!

Breakfast

2010-09-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Message from a pussycat

2010-09-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

I signed in to my account on project playlist this morning, to be greeted with a "New Message" from an avatar that reminded me of Samantha on Sex and the city. I was expecting something like, "Great taste in music Puddinghead." Instead I read this: what about pussycats? Cuz you're talking to one...get your lazy fingers to click on my cute picture followed by a link leading to what I can only assume is a site about cats.

Enough of this. I have images to edit.

Through the Threshold

2010-08-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

See the stills from this as well as much more of my work at my website THE HOUSE OF PUDDING

Vanity

2010-08-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Suckage

2010-08-15T12:14:00.001-07:00

One of the worst things about doing what I do, Is constantly having to find a location. Subjects are never an issue. Fortunately there are always people willing to get in front of the camera. Assistants, wardrobe, Hair, makeup and concepts can of course cause problems but nothing bites me in the ass and makes me scream more than the locations.

I have a major production in one day. ONE DAY. All of the details have been hammered out for at least a week. I have the images in my head. I have the set arranged exactly how everything will go. Now, just as I am beginning to feel super excited about it, A huge BITE ME ON THE ASS location bomb has been dropped directly behind me. All I can do is sit in shock. The owner of the location is assuring me now, after I've pitched a fit, that it will be fine, to go ahead and come. The problem is, Only one of the owners are on board now - the other has just suddenly changed his fucking mind! So I'm left with this dilemma...do I go ahead and go, praying the one doesn't show up and cause drama?? or do I cancel it?? At this point, finding another set would be impossible. There isn't any time. Its just impossible. The thought of having to keep these images in my head for who knows how long now... is horrifying. I need to bring these ideas to life. I'm so close to it. How can i just give up on it now?

Are they really so different?

2010-08-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

I pull up my internet face this morning to read "Drew Barrymore steps out in $25 dollar dress." and all I can think is WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Why is this front page yahoo news? Is it really so astonishing that a celebrity is wearing something that isnt thousands of dollars??? Geez!

1001 half finished pieces

2010-08-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, maybe around 10 or so and maybe sooner, I've been writing little novels in my mind. I've played out playes over and over again. As I got older, I started playing out a few scenes a night, as I drift off to sleep. I would play out the story for sometimes weeks, just creating these situations for these characters I had created. Sometimes I would spend an hour just imagining different wardrobe shifting over the subjects bodies until I found something i liked. I was very picky when it came to the wardrobe.

Usually the stories are about love and madness. Lately I've been wondering If I was somehow meant to be a writer. Maybe.

One thing I've never done if finish one. I've never created a huge, cinematic ending. I can't bring myself to ever say goodbye to my charactars. I just start over. Sometimes with a new charactar, always a new setup, idea. One of my favorite scenes to create are the meeting scenes. The charactars meeting for the first time. Not sure why that scene is so exciting.

Tunes in serious rotation:

1. Florence and the machine - Cosmic love
2. Nico - These days
3. Washed out - new theory

Demon Days Series - 01

2010-08-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Demon Days is a series I'll be visiting over the next year. The first installment are from a session I did in the earlier part of the year that I just recently revisited to kick off this series. Here are a few selections. Take a look in its entirety over at the website.

Quick Update

2010-08-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

I happened over to this blog here and realised my last post was made in January! I knew it had been awhile but jeez! I've been extremely busy having a baby! We now have two beautiful daughters to call our own and we couldnt be more thrilled.

I've slowed down lots with my artwork of course, but at present I am planning a few big projects that should be peeking their little heads over the bushes sometime soon.

Until then...

its quite possible...

2010-01-12T04:50:00.000-08:00

That I may just lose my mind before this is all over with...although it may never be over. I am overwhelmed with things. Just a mountain of things to do. I stand looking up at it. I try to see the top...looking for some shred of hope. I can see it tilting, wavering in the breeze. I wonder when it will finially fall...crashing down on top of me. I can see it but yet I stand helpless, hands tied by my own doing. I tell myself to get this together, to get it started at least. Like the hoarder stumbling over memories and shit and death, I only do my best to make my way around it. I tell myself I'll get to it later. Only later never comes. If I had the answers, I'd answer the questions.

So I take another deep breath, it flows and blows away into the abyss of sighs and endless deep breaths. I sip my coffee and light yet another smoke. I listen to my music and watch reruns of spongebob squarepants. I love those guys.

girls just wanna have FUN!

2009-12-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Friday the 18th was my daughters 6th birthday! My mom brought her gift over in a cute pink bag with a little girl on it, and a card that played 'Girls just wanna fun' when you open it. Since then, she's been opening this card NON STOP! Every time she does, everyone in the room, guests included stop what they're doing to dance and sing along to this little card.
So today, I said "Hey, would you like for me to play you the whole song?"

We went looking for Cyndie lauper on you tube. I found it and played it for her then watched her dance around the room with her makeshift microphone stand. It felt so familiar seeing her like that. I can remember doing the EXACT Same thing when i was young. She even somewhat reminds me of cyndie in that video, crazy wardrobe and typical childhood rebellion. lol I actually got really emotional, and started crying and laughing. good times.

so heres the video.

standing up

2009-12-18T06:51:00.000-08:00

they arrived at the school at 8:35 am, on time as usual. It was the Friday before Christmas, and everyone seemed to be in good spirits. Children everywhere carried gifts for teachers and friends. Their six year old daughter was no exception, toting her own gift bags she picked out the night before.

The mother and father escorted her into the gym as usual, where students sat lined up in their teachers designated areas. Before leaving, they both kissed and hugged her goodbye, and wished her a great day. It was always hard to leave her, hoping and praying she was taken care of while they were away.

"Be good!" They waved and smiled, making their way out of the gym. The security guard wished them a good day as he always does, and the parents did the same. Students were running a muck everywhere, but it was fitting as the holiday approached and children were excited.

They were just about to exit through the school doors when the mother heard a man's angry voice, raised and violent. She looked around to see a teacher clutching a young boys arm, dragging him past her. The mother was alarmed. Her first thought was that something about this wasn't right. This was a student and that was a teacher. The child looked to be in fourth or fifth grade. She didn't see his face, but she did see the teachers face. It was passionately angry. She watched the teacher, clutching the child and she gasped when he began jerking the child as they walked and at one point slamming him into a wall. The teacher was speaking to the child as if it were his own son, raising his voice and continuing to jerk him every few steps as they walked. The mother watched, appalled.

There was another teacher watching as well. The mother was behind her. When the teacher disappeared around a corner, the mother touched the other teachers shoulder.

"That's not right!" she spoke almost confused. "Is that how things are handled here?"

The teacher seemed shocked as well, "I'm not sure what happened. The security guard wasn't around-" she looked over at another student and the mother now heard and saw the hard crying of a little girl as she lay in a fetal position on the ground.

"But you did see that." The mother pointed towards the hallway where the teacher just was. "That's not OK. That man is supposed to be a teacher. Is that how you guys do things around here??"

She did her best to re-assure the mother, but couldn't find any words to justify it enough. She said she'd take action and promised repeatedly that it wasn't procedure and it wasn't OK. The mother shook her head. Her eyes were wide. At this point the teacher came back around the corner, without the student. He still looked angry. He locked eyes with the mother for just one second before the mother, dazed, made her way through the doors of the school.

The mother and father walked towards their car. She was shocked and at this point near tears. She was torn about what to do. She hated every part of what she saw and even tried to justify it in her mind, so that she wouldn't have to do anything about it. But she couldn't. It just wasn't right. What if her child grew up to be a bully, and was treated the same way? What happened to that child when they turned the corner? Why didn't anyone stop that teacher? There was plenty of time. Was the other teacher just as shocked as the mother? What happens to that child at home? Will the parents of that child even care that their son was treated this way? Would they ever know? Would the school turn it into something else, to save their ass? Would they even look at this as something that is not acceptable? will he be "Written up" or fired on the spot? Is this normal? Even for an elementary school? Was she making this out to be something bigger than it was? This child apparently pushed the little girl into the wall and hit her head. If that was the mothers child that was pushed, how would she feel about what she saw then?

The parents stopped at their car, staring back at the school. The father didn't see anything at all, but seemed concerned enough to ask her if she wanted to go back in, see their own child again, talk to the principal...do something more. The mother was silent as she replayed the scene over and over again in her head. She remembered the week before, when their own child's teacher got in their child's face. They already had a conference with the principle about it. She also remembered a time when they sat in the office filling out paper work, waiting and watching a little girl come into the office, looking miserable as she mumbled to one of the office ladies about being sick, and the woman telling her to go get a note from her teacher. When the child said again, "I feel really sick..." The office lady with an attitude said again, "You need a note from your teacher to be here."

The mother started to breathe heavy, unsure of what to do. It was supposed to be freezing outside, but she couldn't tell. Her body was hot and her hands were clammy. Her husband looked at her, waiting. He didn't seem to be scared at all. She felt pressure then. She had to do something. What kind of person would she be? But the thought of going back in there, felt horrible, like entering into the lions den. The husband picked up on what she was feeling and suggested getting into the car. She didn't argue. people were starting to stare and she quickly walked around to the drivers side and jumped in.

All of it hit so hard on the mother and she crumbled in the seat. The tears came like a flood. "What kind of school is this?" She was angry now. She slammed her fists onto the steering wheel. "What kind of teachers are these???" She struggled to understand. She couldn't. There was nothing that could make her feel at ease. She was a witness to this, and if she didn't stand up and take action for this child who obviously needs guidance, who would? This teacher was angry, and for good reason, but it doesn't make it OK. He's supposed to be a role model. Children are supposed to feel safe when they enter through these doors. Parents shouldn't have to worry that a teacher is going to get angry and react violently.

The mother was crying uncontrollably. It was all to much. she felt helpless, confused, lost, angry, sad for both of those children. The father decided he was going in, with or without her. She couldn't manage to to clear her eyes or compose herself when they were alone, and feared they would all look at her as irrational and maybe even crazy for reacting like this about a child she didn't even know. He went alone. She sat there, watching him make his way in, wishing she was that brave.

She held her hands to her face, in the prayer position, crying so hard and trying to breathe. Again she was replaying the scene in her head, over and over again. It was only a few seconds before her husband came back out.

"What happened??" she asks eagerly as he gets in the car. "What did they say??"

The father was calm. He explained that the teacher was in the principles office when he went into the office. He waited until they came out and the teacher looked shocked and his face was red. The principle came out behind him, and he didn't look happy. He saw her husband and seemed to know why he was there. Maybe the other teacher had already told him how concerned The mother was. The principle assured him he was taking care of it, and suggested the mother come in to speak with him later on in the day.

The mother then remembered that today was a big day for the principle. He was being honored as principle of the year. All of the staff got together and ordered special t-shirts for the children to wear that day, as a surprise. She felt awful at that point, that he had to deal with this today. She felt almost like a nag, getting into business she had nothing to do with. She also, almost felt at ease, knowing that something was being done, even if she didnt believe that something would ever be enough.

The husband suggested they go back home then, relax a little, then go back up there when things calmed down, If for nothing else but to at least tell him what she witnessed.

Thats what they did.

... ... ...

This is a true story that happened just hours ago at my daughters school. I ended up calling and leaving a message for the principle to call me. I'm not sure he will and Of course i don't want to be a hassle. Obviously he's on top of it. I just need for him to know that I saw that, and im not happy.

I'm very seriously considering taking my daughter out of that school but I know that would break her heart.

I'm not sure what will happen next. I just felt the need to write this down.

flightless bird

2009-11-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

From a session I'm working on. subject: Kelsey Marie
Wardrobe, styling, concept and post: PUDDINGHEAD2009

when you were young...

2009-11-29T18:49:00.000-08:00

Its been a long day, filled with family and friends. I should really say its been a very long week. With thanksgiving knocked out and Christmas on the way, everyone seems to be scrambling where they stand. Except for me. I seem to be standing still, the only one standing still. They all race around me, pushing me out of the way, while I just stand there with a goofy, tired, look on my face. I'm usually in chill mode, but its been a little inconvenient lately with the events surrounding me.

so on my way home from as I said, a very long day - I put in a mixed Cd, unlabeled of course, and was happy when this tune filled the air. It always takes me to a place of comfort and peace. I think back to when i saw them live, how alive I felt that night. I find myself wanting it again, like a drug. I just need to see them live again! I recently heard a cover of this song. They changed some of the lyrics and most of the whole feel of the song. People seem to dig it but me not so much. Ah.. im rambling. Heres the vid-one of my faves from them.

this is courtney.

2009-11-11T17:07:00.000-08:00

from today's session. More on this coming soon.

Indian summer.

2009-11-10T00:56:00.000-08:00

See it {http://puddingheadphotographyblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/indian-summer.html}

Hi fiver's.

2009-11-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight I found myself in the midst of a hi fiver. Hi fiver's are great. Most of the time, I can go for a good hi five, but I still feel pretty stupid when I do it. Hi fivers love these bitches and couldn't care less and probably never even noticed how silly we look when we high five. Its an awkward gesture... if you even call it that. We make weird faces, sometimes we make weird sounds, or really loud, "Yeah!"s Or even worse, little silent, under your breath "Yeah!"s

Am I making sense. not a question.
So you find yourself next to the hi fiver. You are the one they have chosen to hi five at even the slightest joke or statement. This was also, Girl talk hi fives. {cracking up} now these things can hurt, and they can come at constant speeds. After 4 or 5 of these hi fives, in a row...you can imagine how silly I felt. But of course, I didn't leave her hanging. Of course it wasn't a passionate hi five... quite lazy and a little slow on my part, but that didn't seem to matter much to her. She dug them just the same.

{I really do crack myself up.]

another end of days dream...

2009-11-08T04:55:00.000-08:00

I've been having these Armageddon dreams for years. They always effect me in ways my other dreams never touch. They render me mute and cold for hours after I wake. Sometimes they feel like a message, or a warning. Its a feeling I can't shake.

Last night I had another.
This one seemed to be a little more detailed then the others. I was trying to tell people that something was happening. I'm not sure I knew it at first, but I did figure it out. at one point I was outside staring up at the sky. I saw it raining... in little spots here and there. I also remember something about having a conversation with someone, about not making it. I said something like, "I thought I was going to be one of the ones.." That went to heaven I'm assuming I meant. The person told me I wasn't... and some other mumbo I cant remember now. It was such a detailed dream, yet I can't remember any of it really. But it was there. I can feel it. I was sad in the dream, with lots of screaming, running, crying. At one point I remember wondering If There was some special reason I was being left here on earth, that maybe I was going to "lead people to the promised land" sort of thing. Maybe I was just trying to pump myself up, out of fear. I also remember trying to hard to convince others at what was going on, "It's happening, just like it describes in the bible!" I begged and pleaded with them.

Im sure I'll remember more in the next few hours. Later for this.

The waiting game.

2009-10-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

on the verge of a breakdown. A lot of efforts for this day are turning out to be a huge waste of time, money and determination. My frustration is growing by the minute.

my life quote.

2009-10-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Quiz I took called, "whats your life quote." I'm a big fan of quotes so I was somewhat excited about the results to this skimpy quiz. When I got the results I was disappointed. Seriously lacking here.

Results: "When life gives you lemons you make lemonade"

Seriously? I wouldn't say I make lemonade too often. In fact, when life gives me lemons (Which may or may not be a bad thing) I let those bitches go bad, only after thinking about making lemonade for at least fifty times a day, everyday until they're rotten and unusable.

Who I was in my past life...

2009-10-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

From one of those silly quizzes sometimes take to have a laugh.

my Result: Marie Curie or Einstein

You were an ingenious scientist who helped shape the world into what it is today. You brought knowledge to the human race that could not have been learned without your guidance.

...

Now thats some goooood stuff!

blasted nightmares

2009-10-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

That was just a dream.

I have these nightmare four to five times a month. Other nights I have what feels like a nightmare, but I cant always remember them. Last night was similar. I'm having trouble remembering the details but I do remember I was whimpering at one point, and woke myself up. I remember there was screaming, lots of people, fear and sadness. I remember being horrified at something, which caused the whimpering. I remember something about being a little kid again, and running into my mom and dads room for protection. I pushed the bedroom door open and saw my parents asleep on the bed. I said something like, "Mom.. dad.. Can I sleep with you" or "I'm scared.." Or something like that. They let me in and I curled up between them. Thats when I whimpered and woke myself up... as I think about it.. I didnt feel like a child coming in to their bedroom, I felt like an adult... which is odd. I remember screaming at something.. and running, trying to find help. I don't know.

I ended up going right back to sleep after I woke up the first time, which is unusual. I always try and stay awake for awhile, as if allowing the nightmare to pass before I jump back into dreamland. I had another one, but I can't remember any of the details this time.. Just the feeling of sadness. Maybe it was the same dream.. maybe a new one. I woke up the second time, exhausted.
Haven was hollering for me from her room, "MOMMA! MOMMA! MOMMA!" I can't even open my eyes at this point. lol really sleepy. I faintly hear, "Will you bring me something to eat?!"

I pull myself up and stagger to her bedroom, talk her into something easy, warm her three sausage links in the microwave, take them to her in a little bowl. I consider making coffee, but she talks me into laying down next to her while she eats her breakfast. To hard to pass up. I curl up around her little body, trying desperately to cover up with her tiny little blankets. I'm almost back to sleep when I feel my feet warm up. She's covering me with her other little blankets. Such a sweetie. I quickly start to drift deeper, but not without that fear of diving head first back into the horror that was my dreamland.

Luckily, Havens a chatterbox, and kept me mostly awake with all of her rambling. lol

Sleeping with the bear.

2009-10-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I like Sam to be a little rough with his facial grooming. I don't like long beards, but I like beards and of course good stash's. I like it all fuzzy. It tickles in a good way. I've completely forbid Sam from shaving his stash. Once he did when we first started with each other, and I could have cried. He looked like a little boy. I need to feel like I'm with a big strong man. lol Not the beefy kind, but the kind that looks like they can build a house, or swing an ax!

So anyway, he keeps it pretty rough for me. But lately he's been complaining. "It itches so bad!" I told him not to, but I knew it was coming. This morning he finally cut his hair and shaved his beard. :( Then he went nuts and started grooming his eyebrows! I said "STOP! You wont have any hair left!"

He said it was starting to freak him out, all that hair! WHAT?! We may as well get divorced now. lol He's just way to slick for me.

Control

2009-10-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

Finally saw this Doc about Ian Curtis of Joy division, Directed by Anton Corbjin, who just happens to be amazing as well. What can I say, It was sad and funny, familiar and somewhat left me speechless. I felt an emotional connection to the charactars. The actor completely channeled Ian in my opinion, using his own vocals he even sounded like Ian curtis. I felt like I was watching old JD live footage. I wont even touch on how it affected me... Enjoy these clips from the movie.

Alone time.

2009-10-20T05:59:00.000-07:00

I'm staring at a big yellow balloon. I wonder if its wide enough for her shoulders. If only it was a little bigger. Listening to that play list below. Sam is off to work, and haven's at school. Its been so long since my days were empty and freeing like this. I'm not sure what to do with myself, Besides the obvious (Working on my own shit). Have I ever mentioned I'm an extreme procrastinator?

anyway...
Sams been out of work, so he's been home with Haven and me for about 6 months or so, through the summer and the beginning of Haven starting school. Since then its been me and him here, all day together. Things change when you don't have another person to attend to all the time. It's been oddly strange and exciting most days. So when he was called back to work, it was even stranger. The first day he was gone all day, I just went to sleep. I was tired anyway. But I just slept all day. He came in and woke me up just in time to get haven from school.
Today I have work to do. Things to build for upcoming projects. Things to work out in my head. Emails to answer. Coffee to drink. Music to hear. Networking to do... ahh. Yet it was still sad when he left. I really do love to be alone. I just love the idea of everything being open to me... I can play my music without disturbing anyone, I can smoke all through the house, run down the hallway singing a tune... sleep or work with no disturbance.. All that quiet time to really work out things in my head. I can't do that when I have questions to answer, dinner to cook, rooms to clean, homework to guide, bedtimes to keep, phone calls to answer, friends to entertain... yada yada... the list goes on and on, apparently so do my sentences. hehe.

SO the point is, I like my alone time. I appreciate all worlds of my little life, But I've always sweetly treasured my alone time. I didn't think I'd be this affected when everyone left for the day. I knew it was coming and even somewhat waited in anticipation. I didn't bank on being somewhat sad about it though.

Procrastinators list. As follows.
Top four things I must finish or at least start TODAY!
1.Get balloons paper glued. At least one layer.
2.Finish watching 'Control'. Turn it up loud this time.
3.Do some laundry.
4.Finish one of the many unfinished projects in photo shop. (Thats pushing it.)

Here's to attempts.

How long has this been going on?

2009-10-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

I awoke around 6am this morning. Went to bed earlier last night. Made my coffee and lit my smoke. Turned on music and checked email. reading and writing. Deep in concentration. Thinking of what to write next...and that's when i noticed the look I was holding on my face. I didn't see it, but felt it. It felt very tight and locked. Odd eyebrow raise and a purse in my lips. It felt relaxed when I loosened the grip. I laughed it off. Do that a lot. A few moments later, when the paper settled, I was doing it again. A different look and this time a little more animated and cartoon like. Pushing my lips out this time, as if going in for extreme smooch, but with eyes open. I giggle as i type this, laughing at myself again...

get to work.

2009-10-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

So many people seem to have so many good ideas. Myself included. These ideas that seem so amazing and obvious and perfect. Moneymakers. :) Yet no one seems to be putting any of these ideas into place. Hmmm. Myself included.
...
Well tonight I'll be beginning a pretty lengthy project, involving glue, paint, newspaper and black balloons. I think I've managed to talk Sam into helping me, but if not- I'm going it alone. I have really big plans for this project and If I can manage to stick with it, It'll be pretty bad ass... to say the least.
Now If I could just get started with it...I may actually finish it in time.
...
It's quiet tonight. Friends have come and go. I'm smoking a lot and drinking iced sweet tea.

Where are they hiding?

2009-10-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

Looking around. Smoking. Drinking coffee. Staring at the work table. Listening to the music. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Trying to figure out what Im going to do. Feel really under pressure. Expected to have amazing idea. Getting paid to have ideas. Getting paid to execute them. Where are all of my ideas?

Sometimes I go for stretches, not able to execute my ideas. Not able to make the contributions I feel I should be making. The stings of failure and defeat and helplessness ring in the back of my ear. And Im a person who moves on. I'm not someone who fights for a lot of things. I tend to allow life to move when it wants to move.

In other words. It's hard not to just give the fuck up when shit doesn't work.

the weather outside is weather.

2009-10-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

Its odd to me that people are living day to day managing to somehow survive. It seems there are so many forces at work to take us out. Some we can control, but I've realized especially lately, that there are so many more, out of our control. Its scary to have a child and realize there are things out there you can't protect them from.
...
Today is rainy. I don't mind. There is something special about the rain, just as there is with the sun, and the snow. Although snow is probably me least fave. I like to look at it. But at some point I have to go out in it, and aside from the occasional snowball fight and sled ride - Its not so fun for me in the snow. My feet get cold and wet. You slip and fall. You cant go anywhere because of the ice on the road...and then its fun, because your locked away in the warm cozy house. Theres something magical about a lock in. They always appealed to me. I'd see people doing them for churches and schools on TV and wonder, When do I ever get to go to a lock in?

to cool for school.

2009-10-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

today

2009-10-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

I'm shooting. The details and dates have been changed and arranged for this session, and now im left with nothing but vague ideas as to what I am going to do. Only have a few hours left to hammer out all the details. My problem has always been, having to many ideas. The task is always pinning one down. Reaching up and grabbing one thats flying by in a sea of other ideas.

That was just a dream...

2009-10-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

New work I just finished. Images part of a two part series.

This session is on display at the house of pudding. See it here:wix.com/Joeytodd/The-house-of-Pudding

muddled motion.

2009-10-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

it was a beautiful day.

2009-09-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

a few days ago:

Obsessing over which Kroger back to use. White or brown? I go through them, pulling them apart. I pick out several in a row that would have worked just fine. I skipped over them in search of a better one. I then started to rethink using a Kroger bag at all...tacky? I wondered. I chose a white one.

Laundry. a load of colors. a load of towels. Wash and wear. Wash and wear. Wash and wear. I sigh. The world around me has cluttered up yet again. Why couldn't I have been a clean freak? I remember my mother being one. I hated it. Always cleaning...cleaning...cleaning. Now I seem to go mad from the clutter, yet I don't want to do anything about it. I look around the room. The debris is maddening. Lit up little eye sores, flicking at my brain.

The waiting game. Seems almost never ending. I pull and poke at the odd hairs growing from my eyebrows. The ones that stand apart, that go a different way. I try to pluck them with my finger nail. Sadly I am always defeated. The little hairs are just to soft to get the slightest grip. Yet I continue...

tones of madness

2009-09-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here. These tones are steady around me. First it was one tone. Was it the computer? Two tones then. One on each side of me. The right side sounds higher. Then back to one tone. The tone on the left has disappeared. Now the tone on the right side...is just sounding steadily, with the occasional break up. Is it the dryer? Is it the fish tank? These tones are raping my brain.

Am I the tardy one?

2009-09-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

Concerning my artwork, One compliment I get a lot is, "You're so odd and I love it!" or something like, "Your very weird but in a good way."

Now this is great. Any love of any kind is appreciated by me, but the questions that always come to mind are, "Am I the weird one?" "Do you mean weird like i mean weird?" I don't feel very odd. I feel pretty normal...but honestly I don't even know what normal means. Plenty of meanings to plenty of people. I'm going off subject somewhat...Sometimes I step back and ask myself, "Am I really that weird?" Really? Me? I feel pretty chill.

But then I think, "Maybe I really am strange."

I remember a few years after high school, I ended up running into to old friends. We chatted about people we used to know and one girl that came up was a girl called, "missy". We had a few classes together freshman and sophomore year, including choir. Anyway, The person I ran into ran into her and somehow started chatting about me. Which was odd. The only time I ever came close to her was when she was running up to whatever group I was standing in, to share with anyone who would pay attention, random emergency omg's about fellow classmates. I always found it annoying and was put off by her.

Apparently she remembered more of me, and that I "was there but wasn't ever really there." As I typed that just now, I chuckled out loud. hehe. What does that even mean? Did I seem like some space cadet to her? What must I have looked like for her to have that memory so burned in her brain that she brings it up 9 or 10 years later?

So when I get comments like that It makes me wonder, what must this stuff look like to these people? It all seems pretty tame to me, and no where near where I want it to be (Lack of funds)...

so theres that. I just colored my hair again. I've been coloring and cutting on it lately, seeking major change.

later for you.

my photo blog and other mindless babble.

2009-09-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

Photoblog: (Links above. Called odysseys)So in case you haven't noticed, I did eventually start a photography blog. I was just there, going through it as if I was just some random person that happened upon it, (I do that sometimes. OK. A lot of times.) As I was going through it I thought, "I really dig this space. And I'm oh so proud of the work I've posted there. I should promote this place more. :)"

other mindless babble: My body and chest feel as if something is squeezing and releasing. I've been finding it hard to relax. I haven't had a calming day in a while, though my horoscopes keep telling me to kick back and enjoy them. I always catch myself thinking of those in my past life. I wonder what they are doing now, and if I'd still see what I saw in them back then?

I make coffee rings on my desktop calender. My ashtray is overflowing, yet I still find room to butt out my addictions.

He is painting our hallway. I've spent most of the day un-amused and cut off from everything around me. I feel sadness stings at random moments- almost daily - that center around making sounds...music. I haven't had the chance to really sit down and play and get deep into it in a long while. Its been months. I chest aches when I think of it.

and unfortunately, nothing is ever like riding a bike for me. I forget how to work something If I don't keep working it. Its always been that way for me. So when I sit down to play these days...nothing much comes out. I keep telling myself "As soon as you finish this session, you are going on hiatus with your piano and your soul."

ahhh...not just yet, but soon.

DAY DREAMING...

2009-09-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

From a new session I just completed.

Killing time

2009-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Im sitting around waiting for a session to begin. Just watched 1408 with sam. Now that haven's started school, We spend a good amount of time watching scary movies during the day. Nights are always busy so its really the only tv time we get.

...turns out I have less time than i thought. later for this. Enjoy the music. ;)

Bomb in a Birdcage

2009-09-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

So this is the new vid (I'm seriously crushing on) for 'Blow away' by a Fine Frenzy, from the new album 'Bomb in a Birdcage'. I am soooo fucking in love with her right now. This tune gives me a feeling I don't experience often with music. I searched out more and I dug it all. This little group is a new fave for me.

I Like this vid too. :)

Fan the smoke from my nostrals.

2009-09-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

Did I spell that right?
Why do my thoughts liquefy?
The train pushes forward.
Full speed ahead.
I overflow.
And then it stops.
And then its gone.

GREAT BIG DRAB BOX::
Routine, day to day, same old things: boil my blood in a really sad way. These walls/borders: They get me every time. Like taxes. What can you do when theres nothing to do? That's what they say. I think They're lazy and probably scared.

PEAS IN THE POD::
I realise while watching her, She is so much like me now. What has happened with her? She is catching up to me. I don't mind this new phase of hers. Its much more inviting, and at the same time, Quietly boring. She's inside her head now. This much be what it feels like to be around me sometimes. Am I slowing down? I don't feel like I am. I feel like I am progressing dramatically. It feels as though, I am sometimes floating above, watching it all take place below and around me. I see them, having their lives, without any clues that make any sense. They seem to be...slowing down.

the devil inside

2009-08-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

Click image for larger/better views.

she knows me well...

2009-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

I was sitting with my daughter haven (Five years old) this afternoon. We had just finished her homework when icarly came on. We both enjoy it. It's about three kids who put on a popular web cast, while getting into various shenanigans along the way. Today the plain white tee's were guests on the show. Personally, I do not enjoy this musical act. But it seemed haven did. Maybe it was her dancing around the living room that gave it away? She giggles,
"Momma I like these people! Do you like these people?"

I said, "You like it because Carly likes it!" with a chuckle. She shook her head no and said, "Momma, you don't think I like them, because you don't like them!"

I looked at her for a second. Although i did not realise the reasoning before, She was right. How could my baby like music like this?

I said, "Your right." a little shocked.

kids... actually do grow up and learn things. Who would have thought?

The part when confusion, fear, and pain rule center.

2009-08-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Haven starts school tomorrow... is all I can seem to muster up. The flood of questions, fears, and wonders, I cant manage to describe in any sort of detail that makes any sense. I'm speechless, and vaguely thoughtless... in a way because whatever it is that operates thought in my brain, seems to be pumping super slow...I'm only half here. The weight on my chest and shoulders...are tremendous. Tears beg to fall...but don't. Parts of me feel shocked and numb.

Its strange...and new, yet so familiar.

Heaven...for only 2 hours.

2009-08-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

The killers.

I think I should say that I've been looking for music for years, and years, and years, and years. There's a feeling I look for when I'm searching for these sounds. The killers have that sound, and now have surpassed that sound into a whole other sound I wasn't aware even existed, and now...can't believe I ever lived without it.

I saw them live, FINALLY - last night at the horseshoe casino in southern Indiana. Ra Ra riot opened for them. The show was scheduled to begin at 8pm. We arrived at destination at 7:30pm. I.was.PUMPED! I was sooooo excited. I can't even find the words to describe the level it rose to once we were out of the car, and on foot to the experience I had been seriously waiting patient for, since June when we bought the tickets. Unfortunately, I wasn't getting there as quick as I had liked. We only walked five minutes before we were stopped at the end of VERY long line. We were in for only ten minutes it felt like, before we heard good music playing, as opposed to the speaker music you usually hear right before the show begins. I listened...surely that couldn't be the opener. But theres still people in lines out here. It was another 45 minutes before we made it to the front of the line, and then another thirty minutes in the line to get something to drink. When we made it to stands, I asked the women next to me,

"Have you been here the whole time?" She smiles with really wide eyes, "Yes!"

I then ask her if the first band had already gone on, and sadly- she said yes. I sighed. I wanted to see them. I asked, "Were they good?" She said yes and told me they came on and thanked the killers for inviting them to come out and play with them for that one night. I sighed again, and told her tidbits about having to wait in that long line to get in. She gasped and told her husband, who then gasped as well.

I'll skip to the good part. The killers came on soon after that - from that point until the end of the show, I was on cloud nine. It was amazing. Amazing doesn't even come close to how I felt. It was such a release for me. I've been so stressed out lately, and being here feeling this was exactly what I needed. At one point during the show, I thought I could cry I was so happy. I was overwhelmed. They played so well. The sound was perfect. I'm getting emotional just thinking of it. It was over so fast. It was a blur. I can barely remember the details now, but that feeling I felt, I'll never forget.

Thank you killers, For being so fucking badass.

Hawktown

2009-08-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

I was going through some of my work from years ago. I found these images above. Its from a comic book I started with my sister, called 'Hawktown' about a place where everyone is actually born with different types of Mohawks. There were all sorts of rules in the town, like no mixing with other hawks, and things like that. The plot involves a girl who keeps getting the crap kicked out of her by this evil hawk gang, I can't remember what we called them now... anyway, she ends up meeting another chic who teaches her how to defend herself... We only drew up a few pages, before we had to move on to other things. Seeing this makes me want to get back to working on it.

Good start.

2009-08-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

She poured the instant coffee into the deep mug she bought for a dollar. Then the sugar, then the cream. The Hot water was running and getting hotter. She ran the mug underneath the heavy stream. The steam rolled from her mug. She stirs and sits it aside. Bacon is always gross, but she attempts to make it less gross by cutting off the inch of fat that lives at the end of one side. She had to make breakfast. She promised she would. Her eyes were heavy and falling, she could smell the coffee...hear it echoing her name. She takes the knife and cuts down the side of the package, removing the outer plastic. It gets stuck and she tugs, tugs harder, frustrated, she yanks. the back sling hits her hot coffee mug. It spills. She sighs. This was a good start to the day.

Doing something right..

2009-07-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

I've been on myself about creating an "Official" Photography blog. It looks good. People like to look at them. It could be a good idea for me. Exposure and networking are key I hear. So I've attempted a few, only to turn them into something else later on. I have so many thoughts about the work that I'm doing, yet when it comes to recording it in a blog - I go mute. My fingers search the keyboards...what? What letters? What do we write? My brain rolls over, no help at all. So I just sit there, staring at the blank white box. A photography blog is supposed to tell you what I'm doing...how I'm doing it...how I feel about it - but the catcher is that it really needs to stay based around...photography. Maybe that's what is truly keeping me from committing to one.

Also I've realised in the last few years that I completely lack organizational skills. I'm just a random mess, drifting about. This seems to have made things difficult in a few areas or two.

Time will tell I suppose.

Waking in the dream.

2009-07-26T19:28:00.001-07:00

The last few times I've had a nightmare, I've managed to some how wake up while still in the dream. The last one I came closer than ever before. It seemed I was being attacked by some sort of demonic force. I was spitting out chants and words I didn't recognize, while at the same time, somehow sinking into the cave of my body shell. I could hear my voice going inside my body.. the echo of it. I was also screaming, "Help us Jesus!" Over and over again, in between the chanting at the demonic force, which I now realise I never even saw.

I remember Grabbing Sam, and praying for help, then grabbing haven...then we were shaking so fast. I remember I could see it happening and it looked like a super fast blur of motion. I remember thinking, "Why haven't I woke up yet? What's taking so long??" It frightened me more. I was feeling dizzy and sick. My vision was fading. I remember passing out into darkness, just before waking up. I was in a horrible mood. Horrible.

Day off.

2009-07-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am approaching wednesday morning and just about ready to hit the bed. As I sit here imagining the Utopia that is cold sheets, I'm talking myself into sleeping late tomorrow. Its the one day this week I have nothing scheduled. (Actually I probably do have something scheduled, but I wont let that bother me now.)

This weekend I'm shooting a wedding at the cathedral. Should be interesting, amazing, tiring and fun. I can't wait to see the images I'll get at such a beautiful location. Lots of planning going on inside this head, but tomorrow/today...I will sleep. I'm already starting to melt just thinking about it.

Until next time.
Pudding

scenes from a bike ride.

2009-07-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

Gigi.

2009-07-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this badass comment recently.

2009-07-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

"Its like I want to spread your images on toast and eat it with morning coffee. And I don't even like toast." - Model Common Knowledge

I would NEVER do that.

2009-07-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

Geez- whats happening inside my head these days. Another nightmare last night. This one I'm a little apprehensive about writing. I'm afraid the police may break down my door!

Let's just say it FUCKED me up for a good while after I woke up. Thank GOD it wasnt real!

Busy day today. I need to get going.

lucid dreaming...I wish.

2009-07-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

So I had yet another vivid dream. Unfortunatly its been almost 30 minutes since I've been awake, I can only remember small details. They are as follows:
*People that I knew, with people I've never met. One person was an actor I can't remember ever seeing, but somehow I knew I had seen him on TV somewhere. He was nice.

*Haven started school. I missed her first day because I had to shoot a last minute session. (I never would have agreed to that in reality.) I was really sad about it. Really sad.

*I went to see her at school. She wasnt listening to the teacher. They went swimming at one point.

*After she came home, I missed getting to talk to her because she had already fallen to sleep. Not sure how that worked out.. where I went.

*The actor guy bought something from another guy. Then he gave me some as well. But they were only the leaves. I took them, even though I knew they were probably going to burn my throat.

Thats it. I know it was filled with way more than that...but I can't remember any of it now. When I get some time I'm going to read up on this lucid dreaming I keep hearing about.

WHAT IS LUCID DREAMING?

Lucid dreaming means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. The term was coined by Frederik van Eeden who used the word "lucid" in the sense of mental clarity. Lucidity usually begins in the midst of a dream when the dreamer realizes that the experience is not occurring in physical reality, but is a dream. Often this realization is triggered by the dreamer noticing some impossible or unlikely occurrence in the dream, such as flying or meeting the deceased. Sometimes people become lucid without noticing any particular clue in the dream; they just suddenly realize they are in a dream. A minority of lucid dreams (according to the research of LaBerge and colleagues, about 10 percent) are the result of returning to REM (dreaming) sleep directly from an awakening with unbroken reflective consciousness.

The basic definition of lucid dreaming requires nothing more than becoming aware that you are dreaming. However, the quality of lucidity can vary greatly. When lucidity is at a high level, you are aware that everything experienced in the dream is occurring in your mind, that there is no real danger, and that you are asleep in bed and will awaken shortly. With low-level lucidity you may be aware to a certain extent that you are dreaming, perhaps enough to fly or alter what you are doing, but not enough to realize that the people are dream representations, or that you can suffer no physical damage, or that you are actually in bed. Read more...

What if...

2009-07-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

It seriously sucks that I can't EVER truly complete the story. I can't give you the complete details. I can't share with you most of my true thoughts...emotions... (Forgive my lazy descriptions)

It angers me on many levels, That I can't be real with people. I can't even count how many times I've typed something, or written something out...compete paragraphs of truth, that seem to provide moments of pleasure and release, only to have to backspace all of it away. What a joke.

weekly strange dream

2009-07-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

I actually usually have what some would call nightmares, at least once a week. Last night was a nightmare in my own opinion, because of the subject matter. SNAKES! Ugh! There are a few things That can stop me in my tracks with fear, and one of those things, are snakes.

The dream started in a room I didn't recognize. Another person was there, and I didn't recognize her either. The room was a mess. Clothes were everywhere. There was barely room to walk. I'm not sure how, but 6 snakes were loose in this room. All of them the same size and the same colors. Beige and brown, like a boa constrictor.

The girl in the dream with me, didn't seem to be as terrified as I was. As she wrangled most of the snakes, I sat back looking over my shoulder every five seconds, Convinced one would slither up my back.

She tied string around the tail of the snakes, and again around the neck and face. This seemed to kill them or at least pause them. Each time she found another, she'd tie it up and wrap hang it over her shoulders. While doing this, One snake actually did slither up the back of her neck. I saw it come around her shoulders, and wrap it's body around her head. It moved fast. Before I knew it, She had her mouth open and it was going in. I held up my hand to stop her. It didn't look right. It felt strange. The snake went in, then back out just enough so that I could see the head. It raised up and spit something inside of her mouth. I thought it threw up or something. It was thick and off-white. There was a good amount of it as well.

I said something like, "Stop! Pull that out and spit!"
She did. But the snake slithered away into the mess of the room.

That's all I really remember of it. There was something else later on where I was trying to tell people about it, but no one seemed as concerned. One person told me exactly what it was. She had a word and a definition...

I also remember a hazy image of my foot tat being really faded, and when I finally did wake up, I was convinced I was choking. My throat was closing as my eyes were opening...I grabbed at my throat and started to cough. I was fine after that.

So I went looking for meanings behind this dream. I don't hold alot of weight here because a lot of me believes our dreams are a representation of our subconscious, but I looked anyway, and here's what I found.

I typed in, (Dreams about snakes entering your body):
Dreaming of snakes entering the body, is the awakening of
this energy; Snakes are a powerful symbol, never to be feared.

The fact that he went in deep, then came out and spit in her mouth...obviously one of the first things that comes to mind is something sexual.

They were boa constrictors as well. Here's what I found about that:
Boa-Constrictor: To dream of a snake is on a par with dreaming of the
devil; it predicts hard times and ill fortune, as with Adam and Eve. Disillusionment will follow. To kill a boa-constrictor is good fortune.

So theres that.

since you're gone.

2009-07-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

Kiki was awesome. I loved working with her. I am newly inspired. As a model, She was perfect, easy going, great body movements, great improvising. I remember saying something like..."Alright, stand right there and be...Sexy" For lack of a better word. It was hot...And I mean, HOT!. We were running around all over downtown, only spending maybe five 10 minutes at each location. I could barely even think, much less, direct her. So Thank God she was able to to take little direction and run miles with it!

"Ignorance is bliss." - Kara

2009-06-30T07:21:00.000-07:00

Kara and I tend to disagree on things, but always in the nicest way. This idea above is one she sticks too. I on the other hand...while i do agree with the quote. I don't live by it. I want to know whats going on most times. Even if its bad.. tell me. I feel I should know in order to live properly. :)

If a physco moves in next door. I'd rather know about it. If new research shows that coffee now causes your fingernails to fall off instantly, I'd like to know about that as well.

On the other hand, If the lady down the street is shit talking my family...Please just keep it to yourself. I'd rather not know in cases like this.

The killers, Live from Abbey Road

2009-06-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Softer, sweeter, version of 'When you were young'- A favorite of mine. :) I'll be seeing them at the horseshoe casino, in August. Ahh-Can't wait!

Art or Music and a busy day.

2009-06-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

9am. Today's a busy day.
A fun, creative, session. :)

I've been playing a lot of music, and haven't planned any really fun sessions. Its mostly been commercial stuff & Events, which is great, but it doesn't give me that release that the fun stuff gives me. Today I'll make my art. I'll finally be able to get some of these jumbled visions out of my head. Its been at least a month I'm thinking.

I have trouble doing more than one creative venture at a time. It's either a long gap of playing music, Or a long gap of making art. I can't really do both because both require a deep dive straight into it. Its either a sound I hear, or a concept I see. It would be amazing to be able to do both at once...which is actually the plan. That would be called a video, or in my case...some sort of film, complete with amazing wardrobe, amazing music & Color, amazing dialogue, and amazing people. Good times ahead.

Checklist for today:
1.Clean up studio. lol Did I mention I'm a bit of a procrastinator?
2. Get makeup and hair crap together.
3. Get brushes and paint set up.
4. Get fabric. I plan to construct a bottom piece for wardrobe.
5. Make a badass CD of the current tunes I'm singing in my head.
6. Get lights and extension cords together in one place.
7. Try to squeeze in a quick bike ride.

I have at least 5 hours to get this finished. Will I wait until 2 hours before to begin? Most likely. I cant stand waiting around with nothing to do. To much time to think, re-think, and question myself.

OK- Eye candy.
Below: Alexa tess in 'The Wandering' 2008

A deadly sneeze...

2009-06-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

I was playing piano. AH-CHEW! Out of nowhere, I sneezed...and I'm not talking one of those little bunny sneezes. It threw my head back, then down, down, BANG!
"Mother Fucker!!!" I cried! I looked down at the table...damn table.

Sam looks over shocked and amused at the same time. "Are you OK?"
"No!" I rub the knot on my head. I was a tad shocked myself. What was that? Who does that?

He rushes over. I was surprised he didn't trip he was laughing so hard. He attempts to soothe my pain, "That was a deadly sneeze!"

My happy coma.

2009-06-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

For just a few moments, we were given this freedom.
My brain is racing. It wont erase. Its just rewinding and replaying. God...My chest hurts to think of it. Theres a lump in my throat. How could she be that way with us? Not her? There was a part of me that felt almost like she was the last one. The last one that I could possibly, trust one day. Around here anyway. This little cutout community.

She thought about the moments, the ones that cut deep. flashes of the incident still fresh in her mind, flashing, replaying, each time with more emphasis. The passion was still full force. The anger. She kept thinking to herself. We just wanted to go for a bike ride...

And yet, in a sudden. They were monsters. Two kids living by their own rules. not taking into account the lives of the people around them. How did we become these characters? How did we get in this show? What was happening?

There was an explosion. A sudden explosion. We should have seen it coming. It seemed out of our control. Completely UN-avoidable.

What do you do with that? That pain. When theres nothing you could or could have done. And even afterwards, You still cant think of anything. People have burned their opinions deep down. It seems no one leaves room for negotiation. It doesn't seem fair. But you can't ride to far on the 'That's not fair' train. It doesn't go anywhere I want to be.

Our happy little coma. Shocked back into reality in a sudden.

Bon Iver covers 'Your love' - the outfield.

2009-06-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

I may have a slight crush on Justin Vernon after hearing this. :)
Pause the music player at the bottom of the page.

silence is multicolored

2009-06-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

sticky struggles.

2009-06-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

smoking and coffee and sickness and pain. Hand me another. She took it hard.

Where are the stars tonight? Covered in blackness. Thats all we are now. That's all we'll ever be.

He said he didnt have the courage to stand up and take it. He wanted it like a bitch. Didnt know what a man did.

Everyone just shut the hell up! She ran her fingers down the wall. She wanted to punch it, but her hand was still bleeding.

She looked up, and he sat down. His eyes were dark. Her back was sweaty. Summer night- gone to hell. all to shit.

Go to sleep little bitch. Tomorrows another day. What you meant to say?

Tomorrows another day of clawing, reaching, pimping and bitching. Get fuckin used to it.

Dad's Day!

2009-06-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Above:Sam/Below:Dad

FLOPHOUSE.New versions.

2009-06-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Ouch!

2009-06-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

Above is an image of my new ink. Its also my first, and yes...I already want more, although this one is very fresh. I just got it yesterday. It's a piece of my very own artwork, here with me forever. It breaks down like this:

Basically its me. Puddinghead. The dripping symbolizes the pudding, which symbolizes the chill like state I tend to stay in. I added the stash because I really, really, dig a bad ass stash. Dali had a stash similar to this one, So I also think of it as a dedication to art in general. I also Like to think that it represents my ideas about blurring the gender lines. Plus I LOVE dali. I'm thinking...maybe a few strips of bacon for Stravansky (Francis Bacon). The Bite on the side symbolizes, Taking a bite out of pudding. "Have some Pudding" I like to say. lol Its a good chuckle.

Did I chuckle while he was doing it? Not a lot. I did manage to squeeze out a few laughs, but for the most part- it hurt a lot. It felt like he was scalping my foot. There was a lot of burning, but only in certain spots.

The ear, The stash, and the eyelids were killer. He had to go over the lines 3 and four times because my skin didn't want to take the ink. Everyone was trying to distract me, but I couldn't help but yell out naughty words here and there.

Then theres my whole toe issue. (If I feel them softly, sticking together.. its over.) His hands were way to soft as he gripped them, and it drove. me. mad. My foot would also shake like a knee jerk reaction when he'd hit a tendon, which thankfully, didn't trip him up.

Overall- it was bearable, and well worth it. Now I'm supposed to go barefoot for a few days, which shouldn't be a problem for me, other than all the rain we've been getting!

Ah- Good times.

Do you want to try?

2009-06-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

So sam and I head over to a friends for an evening of drinks, laughs, and the wii. I make my own drinks before we head off on foot to the evenings destination. When we walk in, Jimmy was tattooing his leg on the couch. He's usually doing this. It seems everytime we see him, He has a new tattoo he's just finished.

Tonight was no exception. He had drawn a skull wearing a ball cap. He already had a very light coat of dark shading on the cap when I walked over and sat down next to him on the floor. He looked down at me.

"Do you want to try?" he holds the gun in my direction. Was he serious? I smiled, a little wide eyed. Why wouldnt I want to try? I say, "Can I?"

He shakes his head, "Yeah! Try it...Do you want some gloves?"

Sure I do! So Pam, his wife and also my Wii Tennis competitor, goes to fetch me some gloves. He's telling me how to do it. "Hold it vertical, only go in so far, small circles."

Sounds pretty simple! Hand it over! He really did. I take a drink of my delicous bevarage when Sam, my husband, let's jimmy know I've been drinking a little. We all had a good laugh, and he handed over the gun.

It was in my hand vibrating. There was a part of me that was worried I might rip big gashes out of his skin, But more of me wanted to do it bad enough to not let that fear stop me. Besides, He seemed pretty confident.

Sam took a memory. The line work, template, and all of the face work was already here before I breifly stepped in. All I really did was shaded and colored some of the black area of the hat.

Afterwards I asked him how I did. He said I did good but I was heavy handed, which was really neat to me. Apparantly thats not a good thing though. Its still interesting to me. It made me laugh and there was a beating in my hand to do more. I felt like I could really get into it. The jarring in my hand from the vibration started to bother me quickly... thats the only negative aspect. It almost felt like my fingers could fall asleep while the gun was still in my hand. lol- which probably wouldnt be a good thing either!

Ahh- now I sleep.

I nearly died!

2009-06-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

You know the feeling you get when you realise you're in a situation that could and probably will go very badly? That thought that enters your mind, "So this is how I'm going to die."
Well I had a visit from that little feeling earlier this evening. It's been almost three hours, and I'm still a little shook up.

It was probably around 6pm. For the past three days or so, It's been storming at night. Today was no exception. I knew they were coming, I just didn't realise they were coming so fast. I was talking to my mom on the phone when we suddenly decided I should go visit her. A 20 minute drive. 10 if you went 70. At this point, I was blissfully unaware of the weather. It was already brewing. I heard her hearing the weather in the background. She mumbles to herself, "More strong winds."

"More strong winds My ass!"

I then remember the previous evenings weather, and I start to worry a little. She was alone. I wanted to be over there with her. I interrupt her,

"I better get off of here and get over there before the storm gets here."

..

I put on my flops. I was totally playing lebowski in my jammie pants and white t-shirt with a huge red pepper plastered on the front. The words, "Bite me" in fiery letters overlapped.

I was sure I could get there before the storm hit. It was only getting darker and wasn't even raining when I pulled out of the driveway. Somewhere after the driveway, and the 5 minutes it took to get the expressway on ramp, The wind started to pick up. There were cars all over the place. I suppose this made me feel a tad safer. I wasn't completely alone out here.

I was merging into the middle lane when When I looked over above the hills on the side of me. The clouds were dark and very low... and angry. Lightning was striking all around me. I thought I made out a spot about a mile long, that was significantly lower than all of the other clouds. Was that a tornado? An f4 it looked like. My heart sped up. It was jumping inside my chest. I started to breath heavy. This is the point in time when the feeling crept in, "So this is how I'm going to die."

(I went looking for a tornado image that looked simalar to what I saw. I did not take this image. But this is what it looked like, but a ew shades darker.)

I started to wonder what I would do if one touched down up ahead, on the expressway. How would i know. I imagined cars flying up into the air and spinning. I thought, "The storm chasers on TV are always trying to catch a tornado. If I see one, I'll drive away from it...fast!"

I shook a little. For about 10 minutes into the ride, the first half... I shook, and panicked, and silently prayed, that a tornado would not touch down on me right there. Then the rain started to fall. It didn't take long before it was pouring. I switched right to the high setting, and it still wasn't enough. I slowed down, Going with the flow of traffic. People were already pulling over. But I was terrified of getting stuck in the middle of this storm, with no place to take any cover. I decided to go slow, and keep driving.

The closer I came to my destination, the harder it rained. The harder the wind blew. Traffic was going at a very slow 10 miles an hour. The only thing I could see were the faint two red tail lights on the car in front of me. Big semi's would pass, going much faster than everyone around them. They sprayed massive amounts of water on the windshields, and for at least 3 seconds, I was completely blind to anything in front of me. The car in front of me could have stopped, and I wouldn't have known.

The thunder was loud, and the lightning was bright and frequent all around me. I was terrified. I've been in this situation before, but this time was much worse than any of those times before.

The sky seemed to be getting darker. I kept replaying those scenes in twister where they cant see the tornado, and then they realise its right above them. I was sure that was what was going to happen now. I imagined myself getting picked up and thrown through the air. Then I'd cut to me in the hospital, and all of my family sitting around me. I saw my face and mouth bandaged up, and a little blood seeping through.

I lit a cigarette to calm my nerves.. I still couldn't see anything. I began to worry that I would miss my exit. I began to feel angry. "I can't see Anything!" I slammed my hand on the steering wheel, then rolled down my window. I did my best to get my head far enough out so that I could find the exit ramp. There it was. Right in front of me, and I didn't even see it. The rain stabbed my eyeballs. I slid back into my seat, but I left the window down. It somehow felt safer. At least I could see to the side of me.

I thought I'd be alright for the most part, once I could get off of the expressway and slow down even more. I was wrong. It was as if I was still up there, Going even harder now. I must have been driving directly into it. The sky was darker now. The wind blew harder. My mothers house was just up the street. Would I make it there?

Eventually I made it to my moms house. It was hell all the way up until I stepped through her front door, and was greeted with smiling faces. I told them How freaked out I was... tried to explain the feeling I felt being up there... in the mouth of death like that.

My mom then started to tell everyone stories about scared I would get as a young one. She explained that whenever a bad storm would roll in, She'd have me and my sister help her make chocolate chip cookies. I remembered that. It was comforting. By the time the cookies were done, The storm was always gone.

Once I was safe I began to wonder how I would get home. It would be night soon. What if a storm like that caught me in the night while I was driving home? If there was a tornado, I certainly wouldn't be able to see it in the dark.

I called my husband multiple times before leaving my moms later that evening.

"Check the weather for me. See if anythings coming!"

He said the coast was clear for another twenty minutes, So I gathered my things, hugged my mom, and got the hell out of there.

Of course, during the ride home, I searched all over the night sky for low or odd shaped clouds. I saw a line of low clouds and freaked myself out all over again. I felt like I was driving though a wall of evil. I couldn't have made it home fast enough!

Heres a few tornado videos I searched only to justify my very massive fear for these monsters.

Finially summer!

2009-06-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

It's feeling like summer

2009-06-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

Teeny update

2009-05-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

people-upanddown.
all over with to many faces.
I hear the same sound.
Im trapped inside. but i dont mind it right now.
I'll bebacksoon.

Pudding

The Unattainable

2009-05-21T03:24:00.000-07:00

New Session Coming Soon.

A mouse, A demon, A Bruise

2009-05-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

Something smells. No, something else.
That tune is soothing. It makes me think of things. It channels something else, something else, something else.

she slipped it from her finger, like she had done so many times before. She threw it on the table. She hated it.

Don't get into it with her. You'll wish you hadn't.

Those things are nasty. Your throat is nasty.

Where are you now? How long will you keep me waiting? She sighed. Forever she heard. Forever and Forever.
End? Then? No...never.

I can't hear anything. He asked her again. No, I don't hear anything.
You've pushed it all out.
No not completely. I can always feel it. Its always there.
It's so physical.

She held nothing...wanted to throw something. Her fingertips burned.
She lives with the feeling of a presence behind her.
She said that one day, They stayed behind her all day. Everywhere she turned, she felt them or it behind her. She tried sitting up against the wall, to try and force it in front of her, but it only moved above her. They wore her crazy. She nearly went insane.

Occasionally the medicine would soothe her, but most of the time it only made it seem more unbearable. She was convinced it was the medicine that was doing it to her. She decided she wasn't worth anything putting any real effort into her. After all, She wasn't completely stable. She wasn't anything to worry about.

Its really mixed up...they would say.
It doesn't make a lot of sense...She heard.
I stand. Ears open. Brain racing. Palms sweating. Heart pumping. Spirit crushing.

After my lifetime of working hard to keep my business to myself, never really offering up any sort of real information about myself, keeping to myself mentally, I've managed to build up a reputation of someone who is...well, I cant think of anything to write to describe what I'm trying to say, so Fuck it for now.

Creating memories.

2009-05-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

Taken during a recent day soaking in the spring/summer wind and smell. It was a beautiful day! We had a picnic and listened to Van. I wrote and read. Haven drew little faces, and flowers in her sketchbook. She climed the fence and ran around while I tried to take her photo. Ahhh. One of those days. :)

It's about time.

2009-05-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am in very high spirits. I'm elated! In less than three hours, I'll be at the beginning of a very exciting day!

It's been at least two months since my last big session. I've shot nothing but commercial and babies. I am more than ready for this session, and this day. It's been a long time in the making. I didn't think it would ever get here.

This day is also special because, Kara...who usually sticks strictly to babies, kids, families and the occasional wedding or couple-Is branching out and going down a more artistic path today. She'll be doing her very own session, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Of course. I love to see someone stretching their minds. I love to see people using another side of themselves.

Because this is her first time, I must be there. I want to assist her. Be her little bitch. lol She's put together a whole concept, along with wardrobe and makeup. She really digs her model, and the location she's picked out is awesome. I see nothing but daisies in the forecast.

I myself can also chill today. Body and Mind. I wont have to do any hair or makeup, which I like to do really. But I'm also just a painter, starting from a blank canvas. I haven't been trained to know what's going to look good before you see it. I tend to just play around when I do the hair and makeup myself, so it takes much longer-which can sometimes work, and other times it can be disastrous...

And the sky is a brilliant blue. Fantastic! It's been raining all week. But today, on this special day, The sky is blue. Thank God! I silently prayed for a blue sky today. Its going to look great in the photos. It will give me the color need! :)

I can't wait!

"We need to make sure we play music tomorrow...while every ones getting set up."

I need the music going always! We agree to four CD's. Kara and I have pretty different musical tastes we both agree on, but there are a few we both like.

Ray lamontagne, My morning Jacket, ryan adams, and the killers.

An interesting mix. Ryan adams and Ray may get a little slow for mood. Jacket always rocks it out. The killers is a toss up. She asked me to burn her a CD after I asked her to come with me to a show theirs in august. She had only heard one or two songs...so she may or may not dig the rest.

So I'm writing all of this because I'm trying desperately to kill time. I think I already wrote that I do that a lot here. I also wrote that;that isn't a bad thing.

Ah- yada.

Here's some eye candy.

Above: Lola L'amour in Castaway. 2008 Puddinghead

Above: Sarah Marie in Huckleberry Huff. 2008 Puddinghead

Above: Dikfad in Swaddling Discontent. 2007 Puddinghead

The Fishtank.

2009-05-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

It was a Christmas gift, from her father. She remembered the excitement he shared when presenting it. It was a perfect gift. It was something he invested time and thoughts into. She thought so too.

It was 55 gallons. Rectangular and heavy. It came with a solid stand, That also held it's weight. When completely filled up, you almost needed two people to move it, And that's after you drain at least half of the water...the life.

They tried their hands at many different options of the underworld variety.
She enjoyed coming up with new names for every new fish. Once she made little name tags for the tank community. She taped them as a list on the corner of the tank.

Leatherface, scuz, Benny, Jimenez...and so many more she could now only remember the hazy faces of.

It was all just a memory now.

Funk Injected. 2008

2009-05-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Subject: Sunny Ray
Hair and Makeup: Dikfad
Concept & Styling: Puddinghead and Dikfad
Post completion: Puddinghead

We played Bowie during this session. It has always been one of my favorites. I was still working with Dikfad. All three of us laughed so hard our stomachs ached.

the beginning.

2009-05-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

dreamt hard.
woke up sweating.
Dizzy and aching.
I know it was intense,
But I forgot everything.
Even my fingers are sore.

Sick in my belly.
Having my coffee.
Can't function without.
Big sigh.
Deep breath.
The music played all night.

Its still fucking hot.
God its getting Hot.
I see that its raining.
I pray that its cool.
I yank up the window.
The cold hits my face.

Ahh. Much better.

slippery.

2009-05-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

I walk somewhat quickly. You never know who could be around that corner.
So I'm always on the lookout. Always.

I walk past a former friends dark house. When I lived here, It was always bright over there. I was over there alot. Music would play outside. People would laugh and drink. Everyone was happy there.

But life happened, As it so often does.
Now its always dark over there. No one ever seems to be home. People aren't laughing on the porch on a Saturday night. I never see them anywhere.
But they don't see me either.

"Why you so antisocial Joey?" They chuckle. I do too. It was true."You always stick to yourself. What? You don't like us?"

(FYI: and for my own, It never fails. There is always someone, somewhere thinking I don't like them because I don't talk to them or wave to them enough. It's as if I should be sending out little cards to these people, to remind them I still dig them, and that I haven't forgotten about them. my loved ones are constantly forced to remind people, "She just keeps to herself."

I seriously offend people because I don't come around as much as everyone else around does. Is there an appearance quota I'm not aware of?)

anywho-do-you: Concerning the question asked to during the evening above, the funny thing about that is that at the time, I wasn't very anti-social at all. I was pretty much out and about every other night. And I stayed until the good times were through. It wasn't until later in the summer, that I started going through something spiritually crazy, that I went back into my little cacoon, and stayed there for quite some time.

I guess I've always sort of been known for it, being a bit of a Hermit and up until about a year ago, I never care to admit to it.

People just disappoint me greatly. I am very affected by negativity in general. It's almost physical. I'd rather stay away most days, Then deal with everyones drama, and Bullshit.

Once I said something like, "I just want to put a blanket over my house."

That one statement, Combined with my tendencies to stay away, sparked a whole summer of repeats and new found joy. Every time someone said it, Everyone laughed as if it were the first time ever said. It became really old after awhile.

I'll never truly be able to display my full self. I think its something I'll always reach for. I feel desperate to open up sections of myself that I still don't see, or know...feel.

I can only imagine what this place would feel like, If I wrote the other 75% of whats happening in my head. There is a very large section of myself cut out just to desire that one aspect of writing (in this case)and living.

I suppose that's why I stay so stuck on creating something. A color, a photo, a memory, a sound...that allows me take all of these gadgets of motion swirling through my mind, and vomit them out...Replacing them to convey these...bursts of something I cant even figure out a good title to describe properly.

When I start to get deeper inside of myself, I start to confuse myself. I start to question myself. I don't know these sides so well. But I keep digging. digging. feeling and touching and digging. Sweaty and dirty and broken and digging.

That was just a Dream...

2009-05-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Just a Ramblin of a day.

2009-05-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Its almost noon. The air outside feels cool. I'm scheduled to be out there today. I hope it stays this cool. I'd rather be bundled. The morning has been productive. I've managed to answer every letter. My coffee went cold. I warmed it in the microwave. Ouch- that's hot!

My brain is scattered. Everything is hitting it like manic, crazed, lightning bolts. I try calm it. No, It doesn't work well. It rarely does. I don't have the medicine. Desire isn't ever enough.

I should make a new driving Cd. I'll be spending time by myself today. Who knows what will happen? FRUSTRATION! I need to focus. The day is too big for me. Its spilling over. The colors are vivid and loud. Pause. Nothing. Nothing at all. Its gone now. Where did it go? Is that it right there? I think I feel something...I wait.

I choose the music I listen to by mostly one characteristic. Does it have a hook, melody, back beat, one line, two lines...that grabs me and holds me. Then It has to take me somewhere else, that feels really good.

Its odd that some things can change one person's life, yet have no affect whatsoever on the next person.

"These nasty things..." She awoke, coughing with the worst taste in her mouth. Shes still now. Head on the pillow. Unable to drift off...That taste. The blue Listerine pops into her thoughts.

Her fingers sit still. She stares at them. A sadness rushes over her. One she never knew the words to explain. She looked up now, "No.. I'm not going there today."

Ahh that sound. That sound. That sound. That SOUND! I should put this on a CD. I'd like to hear it on repeat. I'd like to wear it out.

Crazed artist. What a chuckle? That reminds me of Dali. Theres a movie out that has to do with him. I searched for the trailer. Little ashes its called. I found later that its not playing here where I'm stationed. Of course. I'll have to wait for the easy route. It looks interesting.

I hate that fucking word.
Interesting.
It feels really horrible coming out. Awkward to say.

So I'm killing time. But it doesn't feel like it.

Dik n Pudd-Two motha's.

2009-05-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

Mothers day 2009. Outside on our moms porch. Evening.

Above:left/Pudd-Right/Dik

Above:Dik

Above:Left/Pudd-Right/Dik

destructable positions.

2009-05-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

It was wet.
The rain kept coming down. Her hair was almost dry now. The others displayed nothing but frustration, but she new better than to let this get her down. She picked her battles.
The wind blew.
The rain hesitated a little, but picked back up once the wind seemed to calm again.

The small plastic chair sitting next to her was pulled out abruptly.

"Whats on your mind?" shes asks her. "Do you need me to get you a towel?"
She didn't wait for her to answer. She lit her own cigarette. The other didn't bother answering. She rarely means it when she asks her a question. It was like she only used it for an opening, with no intention of following through. She knew this about her, but ignored it most of the time.

A bit of a laugh and the smoke exhales. She was much smaller than most, able to pull her entire body up into the chair, with room for two.
"You look deep in thought. Are you upset with me? You haven't said much tonight."
She lit her own cigarette, daring herself to be honest with her. What would it hurt? Maybe she should tell her what was on her mind...in a nice way of course.

"You know..." She hesitates a little. She could hear the words in her head, and she could see the reaction from her. It was an awkward silence as they both continue to smoke the reason for being here.

"There's things I really don't like about you." She says, with a new confidence. As if a light switched on. The other sat there for not more than two seconds.

"Like what?" Almost uncaring, UN effected, with a slight shrug, But she was affected. She did care. She never meant for something like that to happen. Not with her. It wasn't right. She should love everything about me, She thought.

Gotta Wear Shades

2009-05-11T11:59:00.000-07:00